…This aint the car polish awards, but if they wanna sponser me, I’ll have no problem selling out…

These are the awards you DONT want to win…

The way the playoff format is set up in baseball, at least 1 team from each division gets to move on the the playoffs, plus one other team. Sometimes though, doing so leaves out a deserving team in favor of a team that won a crappy division. Example: the 2008 Yankees had the 4th best AL record, but went home for October. So, there should be awards for these little quirks in the playoff format, so the team that got the short end of the stick can feel good about itself…

The “You dont belong here” award
(Awarded to 1 of the 8 playoff teams that shouldn’t be in the playoffs)
The winner of the Twins/Tigers play-in game.
The Minnesota Twins

The “Sucks to be you” award
(Awarded to the team going home with a better record than playoff teams)
The Texas Rangers

Tim Cowlishaw said it best when he displayed no sympathy for the Twins/Tigers where the winner has to play the rested Yankees the very next night. The winning team will have 87 regular season victories. The Texas Rangers played their butts off this year, falling just short of Boston for the wild card. They have 87 wins after 162 games. Both the Twins and Tigers have 86 wins after 162 games. Math says the Rangers should be playing the Yankees…but the division layout states the Rangers dont play in the central (they’re actually closer to most, if not all, AL central teams than any of their AL west counterparts) But division layouts always confused me (I always thought that the Braves and Pirates should switch divisions)
All digressions aside, the Rangers finished 1 game better than both the Tigers and the Twins

The “Orioles and Blue Jays would rather play in this division” award
(Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball)
The American League Central Division: Tigers, Twins, White Sox, Indians, Royals

Since the AL east will always produce at least 2 powerhouse teams every year, I’d rather highlight a division at the other end of the spectrum. At first it seemed like that AL central was the obvious choice, but it just barely beat out the NL central. Take the Cardinals out of that division and it becomes a steaming pile of sh!t. There was also the NL west to consiter (I’ll never forget the 2005 San Diego Padres, winning the NL west with their 82-80 record.) but they churned out a couple winners, and the Giants put up a fight too…
The NL central did give us the Pirates and their sub .400 winning percentage and had only 2 teams above .500…but the AL central also had just 2 teams above .500 and featured 2 other teams with .401 winning percentages. The NL central may have had the quantity crap this year, but the AL central had the quality crap to win (or lose…depends on how you look at it)

The “steroid accusation rookie of the year” award
(Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already)
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids. I’m just saying he’s probably gonna get scrutinized next)
Aaron Hill of the Toronto Blue Jays
2009 HR total: 36

Jason Bay couldve won this. But I wrote his career year off as “Hes just happy to get out of Pittsburgh” so hes clean (for now)…Raul Ibanez deserves a nomination, but I’m here to highlight whos next, not whose already.
The most long balls Hill had launched in a year before 2009 was 17. What the hell? 2nd basemen aren’t known for the long ball…which is why Yankees fans were excited as hell when Alfonso Soriano came on the scene…it just turned out he couldn’t play 2nd very well, but that was besides the point.

The “What the hell happened to you?” award
(Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were suppose to be contenders)
The New York Mets

Bad enough that they have to deal with being the 2nd New York team, usually be the 2nd NL east team…but theyve also had to deal with back-to-back chokes before doing their routine September choke in June this year and letting Philly have a less dramatic division title. Injuries crippled the Mets and they never had a chance, since the injury replacments got injured too.
Thats the equivilent of breaking both legs, then having the wheels fall off your wheelchair.

The “Shut your God damn mouth!” award
(Awarded to the team that apparently talked too much during spring training)
The Chicago Cubs

The Cubbies win this one for 2 reasons. 1) For talking about being world series favorites while still unloading their spring training gear…and 2) An entire seasons worth (well, almost an entire seasons worth) of Milton Bradley.
For a team that spoke of high hopes for ending that 100+ year “curse”, they ended up stumbling-then-falling out of the gate, letting Bradley be the most talked about player, but certainly not for his playing ability (a miserable .257 hitter with 12 homers and 40 ribbies)

The “This years miracle, next years Rays” award
(Awarded to the team that made a suprise playoff run this year, and will fall well short next year)
The Colorado Rockies

Theres always a team like this. They come out of nowhere only to shock us all and make some noise down the stretch…kind like what the Rays did last year, and the ’07 Rockies, and the ’06 Tigers, and the ’03 Marlins, and the ’02 Angels…you get my drift? Then the very next year, with everyone watching, lightning doesnt strike twice and they fail. They wont be terrible, but they wont be good enough. The Dodgers are long term contenders in the west and next year will have Tommy Hanson all year for the Braves, Tim Licecum and his Giants, and the Cubs and Mets can’t both suck forever.

The “This years Nationals, next years miracle” award
(Awarded to the team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year)
The Chicago White Sox

I wanted to say the Reds, but I think they’re still another year from serious contention. The White Sox now have Jake Peavy. If he stays healthy next year, the White Sox will definalty win that weak AL central. Thats all they really needed.

The “AAA team is diguise” award
(Awarded to the team that might have better luck in AAA)
The Washington Nationals

Theyyyyyyy SUCKED…and yet, their AAA team, the Syracuse Chiefs, made the AAA playoffs. Did the two switch before the season? I wouldnt be suprised if they did.

The “Dull knife in the drawer” award
(Awarded to the player(s) with the biggest mental error this year)
The Washinton Natinals 

No, that wasn’t a typo. Most teams go with an alternate uniform…The Nationals went with an alternate spelling of their name, redefining the term “Uniform fail” in the process.

…Jorge Posada deserves an honerable mention for this award for not being able to count to srtike three, but Washington wins over him since I can’t imagine not realizing the typo on the uniform…either that or none of the Nationals can read…

So thats the 2009 Turtle Wax Awards. Maybe next year I can make trophies to hand out to the winners losers to have.